Day #152: Friendship Evolution (Part 2)…Men and Women

Aaand...Que the high-pitched screams & an increased heart rate

As a reminder…

“Friendship Evolution” is the process in which a platonic male-female friendship gradually evolves into a romantic relationship.

Thank you to all who commented on Part 1 of “Friendship Evolution”. It’s given me some interesting insight into the meaning of friendship & acquaintance-ship. Keep the comments a’ comin!

In my previous post, I asked the question…

So, which is it? Friendship Evolution or same-sex friends only? Pursue friendships with the opposite sex in hopes that one of them will turn into something more or keep the men who want to be “just friends” at an arm’s length?

Is Friendship Evolution healthy?

The more I think about this question, the whole issue of “Friendship Evolution” & the reason for keeping my guy friends around, the more I realize that first & foremost, opposite-sex friendships are different & should not be treated in the same manner as same-sex friendships.

Let me explain…

Men & women are very different from one another (shocking!) so, they shouldn’t be treated the same. My Man Friends are good to have around for different situations, but my Women Friends are better for others. It would be totally appropriate for me to ask Ashleigh or Meredith to go on a shopping spree at Victoria’s Secret with me, but would I ask James or Nick to go?

HECK NO!

At the same time, would I ask Kelly to help me with a DIY (do it yourself) Oil Change? Probably not (even though I’m sure she’d be willing to Google it for me). That would be a good job for Ryan.

Believe it or not, sex makes a difference...(Okay, that came out dirty, but you know what I mean!)

Here’s a list to explain!*

Men

• Face Value – “Do you understand the words that are comin’ out of my mouth?!” – The words that come out of their mouths are the words that they actually mean!
• Fixers – Men like to fix things – toasters, blenders, other general home or kitchen appliances, relationship problems, cars, ceiling fans, the kink in my neck…
• Rescuers – “Rescue the damsel in distress, kill the bad guy, save the world” – Men are great at rescuing people, especially women. Car broke down on the side of the freeway? Call a man. Women tend to buckle, melt down, or become overly emotional during a crisis (believe me, I know!) Men are generally hard-wired to put their emotions aside & step up to the plate.
• Less talk, more action – Statistically, men use less words than women, but they’re doers. Men are great to have around when all you want to do is go see a movie, baseball game, or concert & not have to talk the entire time. I only know a handful of men who are actually more comfortable talking about emotions & feelings vs. watching a football game, but most of the men in my life who are friends would prefer the latter.

Women

• Read My Mind – The words that come out of our mouths may not be what we mean. Example…Me – Hey, Mary! How are you doing today? Mary- I’m fine (she says as fire roars from her snarling mouth. Her angry talons cross over her scaly body when she suddenly bursts into quick acid-tears that burn through her mouth, extinguishing the flames of hurt that just finished singing my favorite blouse).
• Read My Mind Part 2 – My female friends know exactly what I’m saying, even when I don’t have to say anything at all. It’s that whole mind reading business…So, when I say “I’m fine”, they hear, “I’m having a horrible time & I just started my period, so I feel bloated & totally out of sorts. Please just give me a hug & tell me you’re sorry that I’m having such a bad day.”
• Good with Emotions – Need a hug or shoulder to cry on? Call a woman. They won’t try to fix things, give unwanted advice, or look like a cat clawing itself out of a basin of water when you start to cry. They understand & sometimes, they’ll cry with you.
• Channing Tatum – Mmmm, Channing Tatum. Women know what this means & smile. Men roll their eyes & say something along the lines of, “That guy is so gay.”

I love having my girlfriends around & my guys are great too.

To answer my own question, maybe Friendship Evolution can be healthy as long as we understand the differences between the friendships we have with our opposite-sex friends & our same-sex friends.

It’s okay to have same-sex friends, as long as there are healthy boundaries established (i.e. Establishing that one-on-one time is for same-sex friends only & for dating purposes only) & making sure that there aren’t any expectations one might have about an opposite-sex friendship (i.e. “We’re friends for now, but someday, it’ll grow into something more.”) The reality is that unless there are clear signs the other is attracted to you, Friendship Evolution is probably not going to happen between the two of you & that’s okay!

*PLEASE NOTE: I admit that these are generalizations, but most of them apply to most men & women. MEN, if you don’t agree, that’s okay. I’ll still read & post your comments, but if these they don’t apply to you, don’t worry. It doesn’t make you any less/more of a man & it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. WOMEN, I’m a woman, so I know I’m right, but again, feel free to let me know if you don’t agree.*

Day #26: Can People Change?

I’m on this whole “Quest for Me” & I’m really trying to figure out who I am. What’s my identity? What are my passions? All of this has been quite exciting & blogging it all has been pretty helpful, but if people aren’t able to change who they are, doesn’t this all just seem kind of meaningless? Moot? Silly? So, it makes me wonder…

Are people able to really change who they are?

Personally, I think change happens, not with individual drive or ambition, but by the grace of God. It’s very difficult for one to sit down & say, “I’m going to change today!” without the help of an outside Force or Cause. Newton’s First Law of Motion shows us this. Velocity (or change) cannot occur without an outside movement or force. This is known as Inertia. So, unless something/someone pushes a ball across the floor, that ball cannot move on its own.

Being a pretty ambitious person, I have the drive to change who I am, or at least figure out who that person is. Yet, I can honestly say that I can’t do this all on my own. Fortunately, I have a God who equips me, encourages me, becomes that Force in me that drives me into motion.

Philippians 4:13, “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.”

Hebrews 13:20-21, “May the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever.”

Maybe people can change (with the help of God.

This Quest isn’t futile.

Maybe God is preparing me for something great. Epic!

Day #24: The Arrival of a Friendship

I’ve decided that a friendship/relationship has really “arrived” when two people can sit together in complete silence & feel completely comfortable.

Yesterday, a friend of mine & I went to a meeting in Milpitas, in the Bay Area. Let me tell you…it was a LONG trip! The drive there wasn’t too bad. Actually, it was really fun! We’ve been friends for a few months now, so we know each other pretty well & that makes driving for hours bearable. On the way back, however, traffic was nuts! It took us over an hour just to get from Milpitas to Dublin (which normally takes about 20 minutes)! So, we decided to stop & grab some dinner. We ended up seeing a movie (“The Couples Retreat”, which was stupid! The storyline was awful, the end was kind of “thrown together” & it had the “we’re-trying-too-hard” kind of raunchiness…some funny parts, mostly delivered by Vince Vaughn) & left the area around 9pm.

The last 2 hours of our trip were silent, peaceful. Normally when I’m in the car with someone for an extended period of time, the awkward silence is…well…awkward, especially if I don’t know the other person very well. I always end up saying something stupid or nonsensical just to fill the dead air time with noise. And yes, it’s noise.

For the first time in our friendship, I felt at peace with the silence. I actually kind of wanted to turn off the Keith Urban CD we were listening to & bask in the quietness of nothing. However, since I wasn’t the one who was driving, I didn’t want to create a sleeping driver & lose my life in a terrible & fatal car accident. So, we kept the music going. Eventually, we ended up playing Truth…like “Truth or Dare”. We couldn’t really do the dare part of it, so it was just the truth. The honest truth! Nothing but the truth! For a while there, I couldn’t even handle the truth!

Haha!

I digress…

So, our friendship has finally arrived!

 

I have to mention 2 things we saw on the road:

1. A GIANT tv/video screen in this SUV ahead of us. I’ve seen those little DVD screens before, always playing some Disney movie or cartoon, but this one was HUGE! I’ve never seen one so big! We tried to get close enough to the vehicle to see what they were watching (my guess was “Sponge Bob”), but we didn’t want to risk an accident.

2. A lady eating pie…Okay, it wasn’t just that, it was more the ridiculousness of the picture we saw. Red mustang, inside cabin light on, driving full-speed down the freeway at night, lady driver wearing a hoodie sweatshirt over her head, eating a mini-pie. RANDOM!

Day # 19: Loving Love & Those 3 Little Words

This isn’t the first time I’ve tried to go a year without dating anyone. In fact, I’m pretty sure this is attempt #3. I’m risking sounding like an alcoholic & my pride when I say that this time is different.

The difference is that I’m actually identifying what lies inside myself that causes me to give up, to lose my will power, to succumb to emotions when that fluttering feeling of a new relationship starts to warm my heart.

Day # 19 has proved itself to be rather insightful. I’ve been able to recognize that I, myself, am consumed with loving love.

No, wait.

I’m consumed with the feelings of love.

I’m a firm believer that love is, in fact, a decision we make. Yes, love can come with feelings, emotions, random bouquets of daisies on my desk & the occasional love letter, poem or song. However, putting all these fleeting things aside, what it all boils down to is a decision that one makes. A conscious decision to be loyal, trust, communicate, be honest & open. All these things are choices. All these decisions make up lasting loving relationships.

Feelings will come & go, but it’s the decision of love that will always stick around.

Since this is the case, I can honestly say that I’ve never truly been “in love”. I’ve never told a boyfriend that I love them. I don’t think that’s fair. Until they can decide to love me in a “Til death do you part” kind of way, they don’t get the privilege of hearing me confess those 3 little words to them: “I love you”. Nobody has been worthy of such devotion from me.

That being said, I admit that I love the feelings of love. I love feeling special, beloved, cherished. I love knowing that someone appreciates me for who I am & (other than my parents) care for me unconditionally…well, until we find something in each other that doesn’t match our standards & we break up.

Honestly, I don’t know anyone who doesn’t release themselves to the emotions that are wrapped up in the Christmas present of love. As people, we love feeling those things. We love feeling comfort, peace, acceptance, giddiness, joy, mystery, all the things that come with love. It’s in our biochemical make-up! God created us to be this way! He created the endorphins that are produced when 2 people are attracted to each other. It feels good to love.

Knowing this about myself, about people, about the way God molded us to be, is the insight that I need to conquer this year! The very fact of knowing that God is blessing me right here, where I’m at, in all my single glory is enough reason for me to continue down this road. I want, more than anything right now, to be able to look at my husband & say “I waited patiently for you…I knew you were right around the corner & instead of kissing every frog that hopped my way, I waited.”

Besides…

I don’t need to kiss every frog to know which one’s my prince. I’ll know what I know, right?

Goin’ to the Chapel!

Not me, but my little sister. . .

Getting ready for the BIG wedding next Saturday! Alyssa has her dress & all the trimmings. I have a hair appointment on Wednesday for a trim & dye. I think I might go platinum blonde (I’m a natural dark-brunette)! What do you think the bride-to-be would think about that? Hmmm, I can only imagine what the wedding pictures would look like. . .

“And. . . that’s the Maid of Honor, Kelsey. . . ” with a disapproving shake of the head. . . “The was nothing we could do about her.”

Honestly, I am SUPER psyched for this wedding! I love my family & I haven’t seen most of them since my Grandpa died in 1997. I’m very excited to spend time with my crazy uncles & “chat-chit” with everyone Plus, a week of vacation is always a good thing!

I will try to post some pictures later. Until then, I hope everyone has a great week & I’ll see you after the wedding!!