Day #114: How Will I Know if He Really Loves Me?

Remember the crackless, clueless, pre-Bobby days of Super Diva, Whitney? Yeah, I miss them too...

I’m taking a break from my current series, “Online Dating vs. Organic Chemistry” to write about the question that lurks around in the lowly depths of the minds of every single person (that’s people who are single, not every single person) in the world…

“How do I know I’ve found ‘The One’?”

Ah, the elusive One.

Many survivors & retired warriors of love tell tails of such wonders. Stories of great adventure & courage, of riding against the wind of discouragement & desperation, battling mystical relationship beasts called Exes, but pressing on towards the goal & persevering towards the Land of Soul Mates, only to gaze upon the dazzling white castle that beholds the beautiful & incredibly mysterious One. Oh, but inside the once bright & glittering castle, there lies the Witch of Deceit & Torment, whose only desire in life is to cause doubt & confusion in our warrior prince (or princess!). The ugly witch, scaley & green, seeks to devour hope & prolong singleness by posing the aforementioned question, “How do you know the maiden (or ruggedly-handsome Jake Pavelka look-alike Prince) is the One?”

Like any other single person, I’ve asked my married friends, parents, mentors, & the Magic-8 Ball sitting on my desk how I will know if I’ve found The One. This is generally how the conversation goes…

Me: Hey, married person (insert name here)?

Married Person: Yeah?

Me: So, I’ve been single for a while now…

MP: Ha! Yeah you have!

Me: (scowls)

MP: Okay, sorry…what?

Me: Well, I just wanted to know…how will I know he’s “the one”? (accompanied by air-quotes)

MP: Well, when I met (insert name here), I just kind of…knew. I don’t know…

The rest of the conversation generally continues with me slouched down in disappointment, while my friend goes on & on about how they met their spouse, the big wedding, the hopes for producing a bajillion kids, etc, etc. Meanwhile, I’m contemplating my next hair appointment (should I go darker with the color or lighter since it’s going to be spring soon? Maybe I should just chop it off!) & how much of a cop-out, “You just know”, is for an answer & how when I meet The One, I’m going to make a detailed list of why I realized that particular person is it!! Because if some single person, somewhere, in some time in my life, asks me “How will I know?” I’ll be able to give them a full report, including Venn Diagrams & slides, of how you will know!

Until then, this will just have to do…

Day #112: Onling Dating vs. Organic Chemistry (Part 4)

The Eternally-Handsome, Mr. Clooney

“Organic Chemistry” is the process in which one finds love and/or a relationship with the opposite sex in a natural, living and breathing setting. Most relationships develop from this type of initialized personal contact in real life, NOT ON AN ONLINE DATING WEBSITE!

Days on eHarmony: Too long!

Total Number of Matches: 41 (Dateable matches? Ummm…maybe 2)

Number of Matches I’m Communicating With: 1

I am sufficiently frustrated with the online dating crowd!

I have to admit that not only is it extremely difficult to figure someone out with only a few pictures & personality descriptors, it’s also terribly tedious work! After starring at, what seems like, the same pictures, the same answers, the same men, my head begins to hurt & I can start to feel my heart beat through my temples. I find myself forgetting various facts & faces of my matches, things like the name of the guy who is passionate about music, but doesn’t like dogs…you know!…the one who wears t-shirts sometimes, has eyes, with the brownish-blondish hair? Sadly, I’m beginning to think that Mr. Desperate is as far as I’m going to get.

What a waste of $59.95. That’s like, 10 Starbucks!

I know that for some people, eHarmony or other dating websites are perfect for who they are & what they’re looking for. Like I’ve said before, I know a lot of wonderful people who have met their spouses online. Then again, I also know someone who met their wife at a bar, another on a single’s cruise & another in jail (long story). While it worked for them, I’m not about to go Downtown to “The Park”, a high-class, pricey, strict-dress-coded club, & hit on a bunch of guys, or commit a felony, in hopes that I find my Soul Mate…

…then again, I’ve always wanted to know if I could commit the perfect crime.

You know I could.

I’m like George Clooney in “Ocean’s 11″

…or Heidi Montag’s plastic surgeon.

I digress…

I think it’s great that there are different options & outlets for different people to find love, but I am hands-down, certifiably skeptic that this is the way I meet the man of my dreams….HOWEVER…I said I’d give it a try for one month & my mother told me to never go back on my word.

So, I’ll stay & pull my Girl Scout smile out of my pocket & try.

…she says through gritted teeth, with a snarl on her still-adorably cute face.

Day #111: Online Dating vs. Organic Chemistry (Part 3)

The Deliciously Sexy Brad Paisley

“Organic Chemistry” is the process in which one finds love and/or a relationship with the opposite sex in a natural, living and breathing setting. Most relationships develop from this type of initialized personal contact, often in such places as Target, the movie theater, inside a taxi cab, the pool, a museum, on top of the Empire State Building, on an airplane, cruise, singles cruise, Disney cruise, the shoe store, farmer’s market, Big Spoon, indoor soccer at Maidu Park, Second Saturday in Sacto, the Boxing Donkey, a parking lot, Comic-Con, a Star Wars tribute concert, or the free clinic.

Days on eHarmony: 6

Total Number of Matches: 31 (not including the “closed” ones).

Number of Matches I’m Communicating With: 5…soon to be 4…here’s why.

Meet Mr. Desperate.

When I was first “matched” with MD, he was really nice, sweet &  close with his family (which is a total turn-on). We went through the “Guided Communication”  throughout a couple days & everything he said was pretty good. When we finally got to “Open Communication” (i.e. sending e-mail messages through the eHarmony website), he started off by complimenting me, showing tons of confidence & asking for my phone # right away & if it would be alright to call me (forwardness: also a turn-on).

MD called me on Sunday night & honestly, I was really excited about getting to talk to him on the phone & learning about him more. I had practically memorized his profile & had seen pictures of him too (one is of him standing next to a Civil War-era cannon). Okay, he wasn’t exactly Mr. McDreamy, but very lovable. Like I said before, I’m an Equal Opportunity Dater.

As the phone rang at 9:36pm, I picked it up with nervous hands, said “hello” & began the first phone conversation of my entire online dating life.

Fast-forward an hour & a half later, when I was rescued by my roommate, Ashleigh, who started to fake scream in my kitchen…something about a flat tire & the creepy gas station? An obvious lie, but MD released me from the torturous conversation we were having on where he wants to Honeymoon & I was saved!

Okay…I tried to give MD the benefit of the doubt, but I knew within the first 10 minutes of talking that he was definitely NOT the guy for me!

The extra 80 minutes were the benefit of the doubt…

You might be wondering, “Why? MD sounded like such a great guy! What went wrong?”

Well, let me tell you, my friends…Do you know that song, “[I'm So Much Cooler] Online” by Brad Paisley? If not, download it NOW & listen because I’m pretty sure that the deliciously sexy Brad Paisley wrote this song about the not-so delicious or sexy MD!

Here are the Red Flags:

Red Flag #1: Aforementioned Honeymoon conversation…It’s true!!! I can’t make this stuff up!

Red Flag #2: MD still lives with his parents…by choice. He could afford a place on his own, but, QUOTE, “who wants to live by yourself when your mom cooks & cleans for you?!”

Red Flag #3: MD is the manager of a video store. He’s applying to the police academy real soon, but for the time being, the economy is “just too hard right now”.

Red Flag #4: He kept on correcting me like I didn’t understand what he was saying…I hate this! I know it’s not nice to hate, but I truly, deeply & passionately loathe it when I’m trying to have a conversation with a guy & he corrects me in the middle of my thought process. ARGH!

I could go on & on, but I don’t have that much patience.

As I look back on my incredibly brief “relationship” (I use this term very loosely) with MD, I can see that he really was desperate (see Postcard entree, Am I Desperate?) During our painfully long phone chat, I would say things that would cause any sane & heterosexual man to go running for the hills. Things like, “My religion doesn’t allow me to wear deodorant” or “I’m a vegetarian” or “I love you…Can I have your babies?” Did these ridiculous (& somewhat untrue) comments shame MD? No! He’d come back with something like, “Deodorant is totally overrated” or “I love you too! When can we get married?!” MD was so desperate for love, a date, or just being able to meet a girl, that he lowered every standard in the book to be with me. Do I really want someone who has no standards? No backbone? I don’t think so. Check, please!

Needless to say, I closed this match today.

Thank you, cyber dating gods, for easing me into the online dating scene with someone that’s the epitome of the “Gee, I wonder why I’m still single” thinking world!

More than ever, my skepticism in online dating is at an all time high. I have 25 more days left to prove myself right. 25 more days of profile pictures, answering questions about myself, phone calls that go nowhere & possibly awkward coffee dates & dinners. Honestly, I’m beginning to think that my decision to stay single for this chapter in my life is the best option. But, I’ve paid for those 25 more days, so I might as well take advantage of it, right? The bright side is that I might be able to eat for free a couple times this month!

25 more days.

Bring it on.

Day #110: Online Dating vs. Organic Chemistry (Part 2)

“Organic Chemistry” is the process in which one finds love and/or a relationship with the opposite sex in a natural, living and breathing setting. Most relationships develop from this type of initialized personal contact, often in such places as the mall, swing dancing, Blockbuster, JoAnn fabric & craft store, the dog park, underwater basket weaving class, a homeless shelter, the sidewalk, church single’s group, Vegas, a Monster truck rally, or the hair salon.

I’m a big believer & advocate for Organic Chemistry. Most people of the people I know met their spouses or significant others in person, not using a web address or computer. However…

After seeing a few good friends of mine find love on eHarmony & other dating websites, I have decided to take the plunge into the cyber single world!

Now, this doesn’t mean that I’m hanging up my skeptic hat. No, cyber dating gods, you won’t make a believer out of me! I’m just as stubborn as Gary Busey’s drug addiction. I may fake it a little, but I…will…not…yield!

Honestly, I’ve tried the whole E-Harmony thing before about a year & a half ago & it didn’t work out…part of this is due to the fact that I never really put any effort into at all. I took that obnoxious million hour long “Personality Profile” test to see if I was compatible with anyone. 17 elements of compatibility? Really? Carl Jung is rolling in his grave!

After spending half of my day drinking lukewarm Starbucks, getting “bleacher butt” from all the sitting I’d been doing & answering questions like “How important is physical chemistry to you?” all I wanted to do was get the whole thing over with, take a Tylenol & call it a day! I think my profile picture was the only picture I had on my computer, dating back to my Freshman year of college & all the answers to my profile questions went something like “Ask me later” or “I don’t know what my interests are…why don’t you tell me yours & I’ll fake it.” Most of my matches closed me after the first day & the rest had a bet going: “Who can crack this girl & get a date?”…that was an easy $50 bucks!

Well…I’m back & I figured that if I’m really going to do this, I might as well do it right! I’m giving myself one month to determine whether online “Man Shopping” is going to work. 31 days seems like a decent amount of time to give it a try, plus I didn’t want to pay for the 3-month plan & waste all my money. $69.95 for one month is already out of my budget. Oh well! I guess I don’t really need to eat. Maybe I’ll lose a few pounds before my first date! That’s a win-win for everyone!

Esteemed “Postcard” Fans: Get ready for a great ride!

Unknowing E-Harmony Matches: I am an Equal Opportunity Dater! If none of you work out, then I thank you for being blog-worthy material for the next month or so. If I end up marrying one of you…well…I guess we’ll just laugh about this later.

Awkward.

Gary Busey

Day #107: Online Dating vs. Organic Chemistry (Part 1)

“Organic Chemistry” is the process in which one finds love and/or a relationship with the opposite sex in a natural, living and breathing setting. Most relationships develop from this type of initialized personal contact, often in such places as a club/bar, coffee shops, the frozen section in the supermarket, a sporting event, the fitness center or gym, an ice cream parlor, school, work, Verizon wireless, 7-11, Wells Fargo, a therapist’s waiting room, the public library, a bowling alley, the Emergency Room, the beach, church, or special occasions like weddings and funerals.

Throughout the next month or so, I’m going to be discussing the differences between online dating & what I like to call, “Organic Chemistry” (see above).

While the clip above is absolutely HILARIOUS (thank you, Youth Specialties & The Skit Guys!) I admit that for some people, finding their spouse online through websites such as Match.com, E-Harmony, or Christian Mingle is a completely reasonable way to find love. However, for myself, I am a true online dating skeptic.

I don’t know about you, but I already have a relationship with my computer. I don’t need to add another element of stress by searching for real-life romance on its screens. Plus, I think it would make my little PC jealous & I really don’t want to give him another reason for crashing down on my every 30 minutes! (Darn you, Windows Vista! Why do you make it so difficult to transfer everything over to your new system?!)

No, my friends, I prefer Organic Chemistry. I like being able to use all my senses while scoping out my potential future husband. Organic Chemistry allows me to know right away whether or not that adorable guy sitting next to me in Starbucks has terrible personal hygiene & chronic body odor. Online dating makes me wait an entier week to find that out! No, thank you!

Alas, I can see the appeal of online dating. You don’t have to stay up late at a bar or club, you’re able to put your best foot forward in presenting yourself & you can do it all sitting on your couch in your underwear! Haha! Where do I sign up?!

“It’s like shopping for men!” a friend told me after she started finding some really great guys on eHarmony. This is true. We shop for clothes online, why not soul mates? Okay, okay, I know that clothes & dating are totally different things, but when you think about it, they’re not that far from each other.

Lets go with this…

When you visit your favorite online clothing store, what do you do? Personally, I look on the SALE page, but that’s because I’m cheap. Most people who shop online know what they’re looking for. For example, Jeans. You click on the “Jeans” page & scroll down. One pair catches your eye, so you click on them. They’re super cute! They’re adorable boyfriend fit Jeans, dark denim & have detailing on the back pockets. Mama like!! So, you click your size & add them to your “Shopping Cart”. Then, you continue shopping. Once you’re finished, you go back to your cart & decide which pairs to keep & which pairs to delete. You head for Checkout, pay & voila! 2-4 weeks later, you’re sporting your awesome new threads! If they don’t fit, you can always take them to the store or ship them back.

Online dating really isn’t that different. You sign up for an account & wait for your matches to roll in. You know exactly what you’re looking for: a husband/boyfriend/lover/whatever! You click on your “Matches” page, scroll down & look for someone who catches your eye. You see a hunky beau on your page, so you click on his face & see that’s he’s super cute! He loves dogs, plays the guitar, works in finance & can juggle. Adorable. So, you start communication & get things rolling. 2-4 weeks later, you’ve met & are sporting your new beau everywhere! Yet, if he doesn’t “fit” & things don’t really work out, then you can return him to Online Dating Land & find a different guy who might work out better.

Hmmm, it looks like this skeptic is starting to see the brighter side of the online dating world!